Thursday, March 11, 2010

A mush of nine months

It has been almost a year since I have last posted a blog entry. I am sure my three followers have been anxiously awaiting my wisdom and insight that only a genius like myself could provide. This will be a stream-of-conscious rant of sorts. I am not sure where I am going with this. Think of it as Blog Free Jazz. Or Free Jazz Blogging. Ornette Coleman going toot toot on his sax...

Faith and I have battled, made love, hung out awkwardly, and had sincere moments of peace and clarity. I have been a Mormon since December 1997, in the which time I have been a stumbling but sincere student of Jesus Christ. This has been such a blessing and source of illumination when it comes to the dull muddlery (a word I made up which means what it sounds like) of politics, process theology, and living in Utah. There are many hardships through which I had to pass in the past year. Trying to come to terms and adjust to the idea that my mother had left the church was the biggest one.

On this side of the trial canyon, I can both look back and look at myself and see more clearly what this journey has been all about. I have learned to be ok with doubt; to realize that it is so integral to growth that, without it, we can only maintain our status, but never increase. It's as if doubt is similar to the last few reps done when one is lifting weights. You feel confident in the first part, but when you get to the last rep, your confidence can waver a little bit. Even if you have a spotter that you completely trust, and has never let you down before, you get a little bit nervous. It is when you push through that point where you don't know whether or not you were going to make it that the most powerful growth and development happens. But a day or two later, the worry part of the lifting has completely disappeared from your mind. That is how I feel now. Man, it was tough. But, oh, how it gave me a stronger heart. Not only stronger, but softer, too. I really feel more spiritually equipped to help those who are struggling or just getting their butts kicked by life.

Thank goodness for the understanding that this life is but a test. That knowledge sweetens the sour and brightens the darkness.

Keep thou my feet, I do not ask to see the distant scene.
One step, enough for me.

I feel that my capacity to love through all of this has been increased. I have empathy for my fellow men. Not just the Christians, or the Mormons, or the homeless. I really feel more love for my athiest friends. Their ideas don't bother me. I don't feel they need to be fought. Rather, as a Mormon, I feel I should listen to them for what truth may be contained in their message that could be a corrective for my behavior. Jesus taught using the people most despised by the Pharisees: the Samaritans. Christ also taught to love your enemies and bless them that curse you. And Mormon prophet Spencer W. Kimball said that the purpose for loving our enemies is to bring about a time when they are no longer our enemies. These ideas have sunk deeply into my heart in the past year.

Yet, I have also felt an increasing rage toward anyone who espouses a view that has a negative attitude toward the poor, especially among  people who profess to follow Christ. It has bothered me more and more to see Christians crapping on the poor through word and deed. Perhaps this is my next trial. Learning to love those that are full of bitterness and hate toward the less fortunate. I think I will decide to make that my goal. Or maybe I can be a gadfly and just tell them to repent of their cruelty.

To lighten this post a bit, here's as few song titles for old time's sake:

Pony Bites
Mush Corn in my Mouth
Hard Time Peeing
Barf Chrome Beef Party

1 comment:

  1. My husband has fallen away. It's been about a year and a half since he openly decided. At first it was hard. It's still hard, don't get me wrong. But I had the wrong mentality. I was trying to be patient, but not patient enough. I thought I knew best. But after I stopped and listened, I found out exactly what you said. It's all about my actions and my example. That's all I can control. And I need to trust God to keep my feet. I need to trust that He can guide me and my husband together, and separately, to where we need to be. And for my part, I just need to watch one step at a time.
    Thanks for posting about this. It has strengthened my hope.